Ten Husbands Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Application For Night Out

Application for night out - MEN

Application for night out - WOMEN

No More Girls Night Out

Christmas With Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Enjoy some more Funny Christmas quotes and sayings

Fifty Four Year Old Woman and God : JOKE

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"



God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction,& tummy tuck.She even changed her hair color!


Finally she was released from the hospital.



While crossing the road on her way home...


she was killed by a truck.


Arriving in front of God, she asked,"You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn’t you save me from the truck?"


...


......


...


......


...

God replied:

"I couldn’t recognize you!"

Funny Bank Robbery Joke

There was this robbery in Cape Town, South Africa, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone inside the bank laid down quietly without any confrontation to the robbers.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
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One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
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When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
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After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million South African rand we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
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The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
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The next day, TV news reported that 100 million South African rand was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million South African rand. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million South African rand, the bank manager took 80 million South African rand with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
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The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the JD Group shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Serenity and the senility prayer

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Retirement Bonus

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Very true

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.Sometime 15%

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:NUTS!So true

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all
week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Knock Knock Jokes

"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Stu!"
"Stu- who?"
"Stupid villains lose every time!"
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"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Robin!"
"Robin-who?"
"Someone is ROBIN the bank!"
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Just leave me alone!------------------------------------------------------
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Howie!"
"Howie-who?"
"Howie gonna pop that zit?"

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"Knock-Knock!" 

"Who's there?"
"Walter!"
"Walter-who?"
"Walter you gonna do about that zit?"
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"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Dewey!"
"Dewey-who?"
"Dewey have to keep telling these Knock Knock jokes????"
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ach
Ach who?
God Bless You!
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
A little boy
A little boy who?
A little boy who can't reach the doorbell.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hoo
Hoo Who?
Hey! Stop acting like an Owl!
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How to fish

Mike sees Jake standing beside a lake with a mirror in his hand.

Mike: What are you doing?

Jake: I'm fishing.

Mike: With a mirror?

Jake: That's right. It's a new technique I discovered. I'm gonna make so much money with this.

Mike: Can you let me in on this technique of yours?

Jake: Sure, if you pay me 100 bucks.

Mike pays Jake.

Jake: Ok, here's the deal. You hold this mirror so that it faces the water. If you see a fish, scare it with the reflection off the mirror. Once it faints you just scoop it out of the water.

Mike: What a load of bull crap. You won't get any fish that way! How many did you catch?

Jake: You're the fifth one today.


After the shower

After the wife finished taking a shower, the husband is about to take a shower when the door bell rings.

After arguing for a while about who's going to answer the door, the wife yields. She wraps herself in a towel and goes to answer the door.

When she opens the door, she sees their neighbour Bob.

Before she manages to say anything, Bob tells her, "I'll give you 800 bucks if you take that towel off."

The wife thinks for a while, then she takes off her towel and stands in front of Bob fully naked. A moment later Bob pays up and leaves.

The wife, feeling confused and lucky at the same time, puts on her towel and goes upstairs.

When she returns to the bathroom, the husband asks, "Who was that at the door?"

She answered, "Oh, it's Bob next door."

To which the husband replies, "Oh good, did he return the 800 bucks that he owes me?"

Jokes for Kids

Kindergarten Class
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Bluff call
A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV
when Jack give a rang on phone at their home.
Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather
bureau!"

As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?"

He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear.


Salesman at a electronic shop
One girl went to a electronic shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom he bought. She told the salesman that you have cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop..

Salesman:- Madam, can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.

Salesman FAINTED !!


Speeding girl caught
A girl Was Caught By Police.
Police: How did you kill 50 people?

Girl : I was driving my car at 40 speed, but when i tried to stop i found that i have no breaks, I saw 2 men walking in the street and a wedding going on at the other side of the street.. Who should I Hit ??
Police : of course the 2 men because of less damage.

Girl : That's what i thought myself, but when i did it i hit only one and the other ran to the wedding , So I went after HIM

Short hilarious humor jokes

Short hilarious humor jokes for your sole entertainment...


Virgin Mary and Harry

Harry dies. 

Mike calls heaven to find out if he's reached.

A lady picks up phone: Hello this is Virgin Mary speaking.

Mike disconnects & calls again after 1 hr: Hello, this is Mary speaking

Mike sighs: Thank God, He's REACHED! =))

Burglar at Police station
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Husband and wife joke

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

Hillary Clinton at heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''


At Barbershop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Old man and chocolate chip cookies
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"



Stud rooster
Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.



Teacher and Little Johnny
The Teacher asked Little Johnny a question..

TEACHER: do you know Napolean?"

LITTLE JOHNNY answered, "NO! Sir"

TEACHER:: What about Adolf Hitler?''

JOHNNY:: No sir..!

TEACHER: your work is only playing and you don't concentrate on your studies..!"

JOHNNY: why should I concentrate on people who Died like a Hundred years ago? and do you Know Mike ?''

TEACHER: No, whats the point of knowing Him and yet He isn't part of the school syllabus??

JOHNNY:: "Yes you should vividly know him. when you are Busy with people who died Long ago,
this is the man who have been sleeping with your wife..!" :D


In a party...

Wife: Look At that guy drinking and dancing...

Husband : Who is he???

Wife: 10yrs back he proposed me & I rejected him...

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Husband: oh my god, he is still celebrating... :P

Hope these humor jokes bring smiles in your face, got some more jokes here