Funny Story of Mistaken Identity

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of Brisbane Business men, who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into Banksia Beach to pick up a few things at IGA supermarket .
A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.

She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, But they wanted her anyway.

The fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

Jokes for Kids

Kindergarten Class
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Bluff call
A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV
when Jack give a rang on phone at their home.
Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather
bureau!"

As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?"

He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear.


Salesman at a electronic shop
One girl went to a electronic shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom he bought. She told the salesman that you have cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop..

Salesman:- Madam, can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.

Salesman FAINTED !!


Speeding girl caught
A girl Was Caught By Police.
Police: How did you kill 50 people?

Girl : I was driving my car at 40 speed, but when i tried to stop i found that i have no breaks, I saw 2 men walking in the street and a wedding going on at the other side of the street.. Who should I Hit ??
Police : of course the 2 men because of less damage.

Girl : That's what i thought myself, but when i did it i hit only one and the other ran to the wedding , So I went after HIM

Short hilarious humor jokes

Short hilarious humor jokes for your sole entertainment...


Virgin Mary and Harry

Harry dies. 

Mike calls heaven to find out if he's reached.

A lady picks up phone: Hello this is Virgin Mary speaking.

Mike disconnects & calls again after 1 hr: Hello, this is Mary speaking

Mike sighs: Thank God, He's REACHED! =))

Burglar at Police station
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Husband and wife joke

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

Hillary Clinton at heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''


At Barbershop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Old man and chocolate chip cookies
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"



Stud rooster
Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.



Teacher and Little Johnny
The Teacher asked Little Johnny a question..

TEACHER: do you know Napolean?"

LITTLE JOHNNY answered, "NO! Sir"

TEACHER:: What about Adolf Hitler?''

JOHNNY:: No sir..!

TEACHER: your work is only playing and you don't concentrate on your studies..!"

JOHNNY: why should I concentrate on people who Died like a Hundred years ago? and do you Know Mike ?''

TEACHER: No, whats the point of knowing Him and yet He isn't part of the school syllabus??

JOHNNY:: "Yes you should vividly know him. when you are Busy with people who died Long ago,
this is the man who have been sleeping with your wife..!" :D


In a party...

Wife: Look At that guy drinking and dancing...

Husband : Who is he???

Wife: 10yrs back he proposed me & I rejected him...

.

.

.

.

Husband: oh my god, he is still celebrating... :P

Hope these humor jokes bring smiles in your face, got some more jokes here

Hilarious Wedding Invitation on Wedding Day

Hilarious Wedding Invitation on Wedding Day

P.S. We have no idea WHAT he sees in her !

Different Versions Funny Gangnam Style

Gangnam Style these days are very popular and its really fun to watch videos and funny Gangnam style photos. Enjoy different versions of Gangnam styles

Gangnam Style Text book version

Gangnam-style-with-wolverine

4-steps-Gangnam-style

Gangnam-style-international

Gangnam-style-on-socks

Gangnam-style-on-tshirts

Cool Funny tidbits

A WOMAN'S POEM: 

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A Man's Women

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...


No…. wait...sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! 

Funny questions which don't have answer

What is the speed of darkness?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Tips to survive in a Scary Movie

Rules:

If the room has blood, chains and tools in it, for heavens sake - don't walk into it.

if you hear a noise...do not investigate

if the lights go out...do not go try and fix the fuse

do not leave your curtains open

Never walk backwards
Don' t ever, ever have sex

A world where all white women are extinct is scary enough

Don't be a virgin
Don't be drunk
oh, and don't be a black guy.
Don't go downstairs
Don't run through the woods
Don't go back to help someone who falls
Don't go in the basement or attic

Don't go to sleep

Don't watch the tv (especially if a little girl is crawling out of a well)

Don't open any boxes or closet doors

Don't look out the window

woods, avoid them
also, farms

also avoid:
old camp grounds
country houses away from civilization

If something scary is happening, for god's sake GET THE FORK OUT OF THERE! Don't just stand there looking at it! 

Avoid waiting 28 weeks.

Avoid Freddy (hence never fall asleep).

Don't go swimming in the water.

Don't answer the door late at night.

Never, ever go investigate a strange noise.

Don't summon the dead.

Don't go swimming at night.

Don't flash your lights at cars driving at night with their lights off.

Don't show a weird video tape with a loved one.

Don't hide under a bed.

Don't be blonde beautiful and a cheerleader-

Don't be a night watchman in a morgue, doll factory or any human science lab-

Don't even be vaguely humourful, funny people always end up dead near the end-

Don't have sex, discuss sex or try to encourage anyone else to have sex-

Don't go back to save a friend, you will only get your other friends killed-

Don't go into the disused mental hospital for a dare-

Don't try to flirt with a woman on a boat that's been adrift for over 40yrs. unless she came on your boat with you-

Don't adopt weird little Orphans that can play the Piano and paint like Monet-
Don't go into the bathroom and lock the door! 

Don't drive alone at night (and if you do, always check the back seat before you get in the car!!)

Don't answer the phone over and over again if the first message is "have you checked the children."

Don't fall asleep EVER....

Don't say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror.

Don't celebrate Halloween.

Don't remember what you did last summer ;p

Don't videotape the paranormal.

Don't go on a witch hunt.

Never look under the bed

Never look behind the shower curtain

Never go anywhere without a cell phone a gun and some duck tape.

Don't count on the police or any form of law enforcement to save you

Don't walk around in a parking garage by yourself.

Don't touch the leprechaun's pot of gold.

Don't say the name CandyMan 5x while in the bathroom in front of the mirror with the lights off. 

A comet falls outta the sky and land/crashes close to you. Don't walk up on it and poke it with a stick.

Don't bury you loved ones in an old Indian burial ground.

When it gets around the anniversary time of when the killings happen, GTFO of dodge.
Stay as far away from the intended target as possible.
If you do go somewhere make sure there is good reception (for cell phone usage).
Travel in groups, as your friend Billy with the limp will increase your chance of survival

Become the hunter. Turning the tables on the monster, psycho or supernatural force will take them off guard, giving you the advantage. Remember, they don't expect you to fight back!

Conquer any fear of heights. As you may need to climb some 30 feet or so up a ladder to get to safety.

When going camping or visiting a tourist attraction, LISTEN to the crazy old man or lady telling stories of legend about a crazed killer with a hook for a hand. Because it's probably true.

Avoid guys with leather masks & chainsaws in Texas 

If you're drinking by yourself, get rid of the bottle. I watched that shitty Sorority Row movie and this chick laid down on the couch and as she took a sip, the killer punched that bottle down her throat. The alcohol proceeded to drain down her throat. It was one of those hell long bottles too. It was brutal and bad arss. 

Don't hang out with white high school or college kids. Do this, and you won't have to give a damn about these other rules, because you won't be the one getting chased by some dude that know what you did last summer.

If the killer has a mask you find funny, even though he has a weapon in his hand, don't poke at him and give him shit. He's gonna give you plenty of shit in a few seconds.

If you are told about some urban legend like Candyman, believe in it and do nothing past that.

Never Hire a Man to do a Woman's Job

Never Hire a Man to do a Woman's Job...

A few months ago, there was a job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

British English Vs Asian English

Our english is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc....... Who got time for grammer, punctuation and others ... Simple and straight

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Asian : S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Asian : No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Asian : (pointing the door) can AR?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Asian : Don't be shy, lah!  (Singaporean english aka singlish)

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Asian : Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Asian : Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Asian : You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! Lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Asian : Shut up lah!  (Singaporean english aka singlish)

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Asian : See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Asian : Die-lah!! (Singaporean english aka singlish)

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Asian : Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Asian : like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Asian : get lost ....

Don't try this at home

ok look when i whas a little boy i loved

(pollitos) thats mexican or spanish for

chiks  not girls but little yellow
chikends  i am not sure what to call them

u know the ones that just came out of an egg

ok so 1 day i learned that this chiks besides
if a big chiken sit's on them they can be made

with some mahine that warms eggs and i thought that whas pretty cool

i whas just a little kid and i had no money for a machine like that

and i had no money to buy a chick

but of course i had lots of eggs

so after sqashing a couple on mi butt for 2 hours and nothin

i remembered that machine so i remembered what it suposed to do

so i decided to put the egg on the microwave

those really old microwaves that went clink

like a bell wen they finish

not digital and it whas a huge i mean huge microwave

i had little eggs left so i decided to use just 1

ok so i put it in and set it on 10 min on high

and im watching tru the window the egg spining around and around

1 hing i forgot to mention is that

the microwave whas on top of the refrigirator

and i had to use a chair and stan on mi toes

ok so its almost 7 min and then the egg starts to move

and i whas geting very very ansius or something like that

i had a huge smile on mi face but...
then out of nowhere

the egg exploded like a bomb

and i when like... WTF i almost felt down

and i wanted to cry beacose i thought i killed it

but that whas the least of mi worryes beacose

mi mom went to the corner to buy some tortillas

tortillas are the ones u make tacos and burritos around here

ok so i know im gona get a big woop a**

so i tried to remove the egg but it whas to hot

so i trow in some water and smoke started to come out

and made some sparks i hought it whas going to be flames

so i remembered that baking pouder its used to put out flames but

i didint know what it looked liked so then

since when i whas little i wanted to be a fire man i remembered that peopel roll over

the floor when they are on fire... so i thought dirt puts out fire also

so i went into the yard and got some dirst and i trow it in there also

i was so scared that i decided to just close it and hide on the bath room and close the door but...

then i decided o go watch some black and white tv so i left the door open

when mi mom came back and yelled..
WHO LEFT THE DOOR OPEN

and she see the big mess.. i play
dumb hu.. what?

what hapend here i say..

and she ask if i did that
and i said

wow i think somebody came in and did this

but then i looked so scared that i got
a big woop ass

but it whas worth it beacose 2 months later i got 8 pesos and i bought me a chick

and i realised a chick its not a good house pet

Shi**s all over makes lots of sound all day and all night chip chip chip
non stop more then a baby

they look cute but bealive me u dont want one

and sooner or later they are gona eat it

but that whas not the case here

beacose i did 1 more mistake like i alwais do

i tried to introduce mi lil chick to my cat

i told mi sister to hold the cat good

but unfortunatly she didint

good bye chick i will alwais remember you

i didint eat chiken for 3 years

but now i do.

Best of funny captchas on internet

Best of funny captchas on internet, i am sure these funny captchas will make you lol ;)
Captcha's are part of vital component on internet, you might come across some funny captcha which you have to type ... Please comment on this post if you come across funny captcha like ones below ...

Funny and hilarious insults

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - your face.

You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

Well, they do say opposites attract...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'.

Lights on, door open, nobody at home.

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He's as happy as a Pig in $hit.

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box.

About as subtle as a flying brick.

She's got more wrinkles than an Elephant's scrotum.

She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs.

As tight as a Camel's arse in a Sand-storm.

She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

About as interesting as watching paint dry.

I've seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard.

I've seen better hands on a clock.

As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market.

He's as baffled as Adam on Mother's Day.

She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits.

As nervous as a turkey at Christmas.

She's seen more ceilings than Michaelangelo.

She ran off quicker than sh*t off a shovel.

She's as fit as a butcher's dog.

She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag.

As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse.

His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender.

Uglier than a hat full of assholes.

As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks.

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.

This guy is all foam, no beer.

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

About as useless as a jam sandwich to a drowning rabbit.

A legend in his own mind...

He's an expert on padded cells.

He couldn't engineer his way outta paper bag!

Blonde in the appliance store

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

How to have privacy while surfing internet

These days all who use internet think about their internet surfing privacy, how they can achieve 100% privacy while surfing the internet. Here i found a unique way to protect your internet surfing privacy 100%... I mean it... don't trust me ...

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God Vs. Scientist

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no...." interrupts God,

(I love this)


"Get your own dirt......."

The Avengers Effect

Ever wonder how the movie "The Avengers" effect will have on real human life. And when Pacman talks like an Iron Man this is what happens

Euro 2012 Humor Trolling Photos

We all are very busy watching Euro 2012, well here i present you brief humor of Euro 2012 with photos ...