Funny Story of Mistaken Identity

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of Brisbane Business men, who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into Banksia Beach to pick up a few things at IGA supermarket .
A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.

She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, But they wanted her anyway.

The fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

Jokes for Kids

Kindergarten Class
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Bluff call
A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV
when Jack give a rang on phone at their home.
Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather
bureau!"

As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?"

He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear.


Salesman at a electronic shop
One girl went to a electronic shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom he bought. She told the salesman that you have cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop..

Salesman:- Madam, can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.

Salesman FAINTED !!


Speeding girl caught
A girl Was Caught By Police.
Police: How did you kill 50 people?

Girl : I was driving my car at 40 speed, but when i tried to stop i found that i have no breaks, I saw 2 men walking in the street and a wedding going on at the other side of the street.. Who should I Hit ??
Police : of course the 2 men because of less damage.

Girl : That's what i thought myself, but when i did it i hit only one and the other ran to the wedding , So I went after HIM

Short hilarious humor jokes

Short hilarious humor jokes for your sole entertainment...


Virgin Mary and Harry

Harry dies. 

Mike calls heaven to find out if he's reached.

A lady picks up phone: Hello this is Virgin Mary speaking.

Mike disconnects & calls again after 1 hr: Hello, this is Mary speaking

Mike sighs: Thank God, He's REACHED! =))

Burglar at Police station
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Husband and wife joke

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

Hillary Clinton at heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''


At Barbershop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Old man and chocolate chip cookies
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"



Stud rooster
Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.



Teacher and Little Johnny
The Teacher asked Little Johnny a question..

TEACHER: do you know Napolean?"

LITTLE JOHNNY answered, "NO! Sir"

TEACHER:: What about Adolf Hitler?''

JOHNNY:: No sir..!

TEACHER: your work is only playing and you don't concentrate on your studies..!"

JOHNNY: why should I concentrate on people who Died like a Hundred years ago? and do you Know Mike ?''

TEACHER: No, whats the point of knowing Him and yet He isn't part of the school syllabus??

JOHNNY:: "Yes you should vividly know him. when you are Busy with people who died Long ago,
this is the man who have been sleeping with your wife..!" :D


In a party...

Wife: Look At that guy drinking and dancing...

Husband : Who is he???

Wife: 10yrs back he proposed me & I rejected him...

.

.

.

.

Husband: oh my god, he is still celebrating... :P

Hope these humor jokes bring smiles in your face, got some more jokes here

Hilarious Wedding Invitation on Wedding Day

Hilarious Wedding Invitation on Wedding Day

P.S. We have no idea WHAT he sees in her !

Different Versions Funny Gangnam Style

Gangnam Style these days are very popular and its really fun to watch videos and funny Gangnam style photos. Enjoy different versions of Gangnam styles

Gangnam Style Text book version

Gangnam-style-with-wolverine

4-steps-Gangnam-style

Gangnam-style-international

Gangnam-style-on-socks

Gangnam-style-on-tshirts

Cool Funny tidbits

A WOMAN'S POEM: 

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A Man's Women

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...


No…. wait...sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! 

Funny questions which don't have answer

What is the speed of darkness?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?